i.

[organa]

It's been a long time since Leia's been this inconsolable. Things don't usually get to her – not visibly, anyway – but she's rattled to the core when she bursts into the Twilight's cockpit with a dramatic sort of flare that she can't help in this moment. She managed to keep her emotions steady and under control on the way over here, but the dam that was holding them back has now burst. Leia's furious, and wounds that were never fully on the mend feel like they've been ripped open all over again.

Most of all, she's hurt. Anakin's words stung, and she's mortified he would even imply such a thing.

Comments

[velocities]

This is certainly off to a great start, like most of his conversations with Anakin. Han sighs and fights the urge to roll his eyes or make a face, because he's doing this For Leia, and maybe if they're going to stop acting like riled banthas tromping through a market he ought to go first.

"No, I told her you probably did. Still think it'd help if you knew why you were wrong, though."

And really, if Anakin wants a master class in arguing with Leia without her hating you after, Han is the resident expert.

[morally_cryptic]

Back off, Anakin, he can almost hear Obi-Wan telling him. He just wants to help.

Sighing, Anakin does indeed take a step back, moving to sit down on the alcove's actual bench and waving for Han to join him should he feel so inclined.

"Enlighten me."

[velocities]

He sits, still tense but for other reasons. Helping Leia is all well and good, but talking about her like this does feel a little like sharing secrets he shouldn't, even if it does make things better.

Not like it would be the first time she'd be mad at him. He could handle it.

"You know, you've got the Force and whatever that does between you. Which is," and he almost has to force the next word out, "great. But you don't end up the Last Princess of anything without it leaving a mark. A lot of marks."

[morally_cryptic]

He raises an eyebrow at the great, the corner of his lips twitching in suppressed humor.

"I wouldn't know, I've never been the Last Princess of anything," okay, maybe the humor wasn't so suppressed after all. "But I understand what you mean, I do. Loss is...hard. It stays with you. I've never lost a planet," and he wouldn't shed too many tears over Tatooine, "but I've lost enough to know that."

[velocities]

Han wonders about that comment on loss for a moment, but doesn't let it distract him. There's time for it, but then he'd lose the point of all this.

"Yeah, it does. Multiply it, though, and add being the one taking responsibility for all the survivors, everything that was left... We came across an Alderaanian patrol ship once that'd started working as pirates." He shakes his head at the memory, not quite absurd and not near long enough ago to be entirely comfortable. "Almost got herself killed trying to get the ship and her crew out of that mess."

[morally_cryptic]

So apparently survivor's guilt was genetic too. Wonderful.

Part of the problem, he starts thinking, is that the whole issue in their conversation had started with Anakin taking exception to what he'd seen as a frivolous Alderaanian custom forced on Leia as a child (wearing hair extensions just for the look of it? He still thinks it's ridiculous). But, he guesses, she'd seen it as more of an attack on something she cherished and would never get back. The difference between them was that he'd done everything he could to divorce himself of the slave boy from Tatooine. There were no customs there that he'd wanted to hold on to, not really.

"I was thinking a moment ago that if Tatooine were blown up by someone, I'm not sure I'd shed any tears. I don't have the same attachment," woo for one attachment he doesn't have, "to my home planet that Leia does to Alderaan. It doesn't mean the same to me. Obviously, it's different for her. To be honest, I still think the hair thing is ridiculous, especially for little girls. But, I don't make a fuss about everything Padme does for Naboo," and in a way, quite a lot of their custom and ritual seemed similar, "so there's that. It's just that...what she told me? Felt more like the Organas at least in that instance cared more about appearances than about the little girl they were raising. My little girl," so there was some possessiveness to it. "I didn't like that. I don't."

[velocities]

Survivor's guilt and a temper, among other things Han isn't about to mention no matter how many Jedi fountains he's surrounded by.

"You don't have to like it."

Which is an understatement, and there's a bitter edge to it he really wished hadn't come through in his tone. Customs and culture are different for every species, every planet. Han has seen his share of weird on that front, weird and disturbing in some instances, enough that anything about hair and appearances was small stakes. Anakin's little girl (and isn't that still completely odd, even now) wearing a hair piece is the least of his worries.

"Trust me," and that little edge is still there, "there's plenty I don't like either. Including, apparently, certain obligations to carry on a royal line."

[morally_cryptic]

Well, that managed to be a distraction.

"A royal line?" Look how he actually refrains from adding that doesn't exist anymore. Though really in this case...it still does. Just not with Leia.

[velocities]

There's that feeling again, a bad feeling about Leia's reaction to her father knowing about this.

Han dismisses it, because it'll be a while before he's over the idea of it himself. Whether the dismissal is wise or not is-- No, probably not wise at all.

"Yeah, royal line. Complete with supplies for the Alliance and some idiot that can't get a girl on his own." Really, the more he thinks about it the more rustled he gets. "Not that I figure some stuffed up prince would know how to deactivate some retrofitted mining-turned-attack-droid so she doesn't die, but I don't get a vote. Neither do you."

i briefly had a tiny crush on isolder, i'll admit

[morally_cryptic]

"Sounds like he didn't either," Anakin muses. Considering it's Han that's here and not the aforementioned stuffed up prince.

No, Han, of course he's not teasing you.

Maybe a little.

he was a good dude! not his fault he ended up the temporary yoko to the space beatles

[velocities]

Even a little teasing isn't appreciated, as evidenced by the face Han makes. Which quickly turns into one of general distaste and unease.

"Not yet, anyway. There's plenty of offers for High Command to choose between." And none of those options were no-account smugglers with no family history save a Wookiee that won't go away.

Should he mention suggesting to Leia that she ought to tell Mon Mothma to get spaced? Han shakes his head at himself. No, probably not, because if Anakin makes the same suggestion then whatever trouble he's gotten himself into now will just multiply.

[morally_cryptic]

"This isn't really helping me not say something to Leia about letting other people make decisions for her, you know."

And it's strange that she's so self-possessed and independent and still there were things like this. It's obvious she cares about Han and if Anakin were in her place, he'd definitely be flouting what so-called High Command wanted and being with the person he cared for instead.

Well. Technically. He'd done exactly that already.

[velocities]

Han looks over at him sideways, and this is probably the first time he's been tense around Anakin that isn't a direct response to the lingering fear of Vader.

"That's the thing," he says, then sighs and shakes his head. "Leia isn't letting anyone do anything. Plenty of people out there blame her for what happened to Alderaan, and she's one of them."

This is just another in a long list of the ways she punishes herself, filed along with how she sometimes won't sleep or eat, or jumps into battle like she's waiting for someone to finally hit their mark.

[morally_cryptic]

He flashed Han a skeptical look. Responding to people's expectations, then. But it's not a point worth arguing, probably. Not here and now.

"From what I understand, more of the blame would lie with me than it ever will with her," he says instead, voice dry.

Even if, you know, Tarkin was the one who actually gave the order.

[velocities]

"Their logic says it never would've happened if she wasn't a Rebel to begin with," said as if it's a joke, except that it's not even remotely funny.

"And actually, Vader," and Han is careful to discern that it is Vader and not Anakin, as if they are different people entirely, "just stood there. Wasn't his command."

[morally_cryptic]

Maybe Vader is a different person but it didn't change that he started with Anakin. So Anakin's face screws up in an expression of disgust. "Exactly. Instead of stopping it. Or trying to. Fierfek I would never-..."

And yet, at least in one life, something had happened to turn him into a person who would indeed stand by and watch all life on a planet die. Just imagining it has Anakin unconsciously touching his chest, feeling a phantom of what the tremor might feel like in the Force. He already feels so much, how could he just stand there for something like that?

After a moment, he shakes it off and looks up at Han, gaze steady. "She feels responsible and she'd do whatever she can to try to make up for it. I can understand that."

[velocities]

Han knows that Leia has a few ideas on that front, on what might happen and what Anakin might lose that would change just how much he feels or doesn't feel about things. Now's not the time for it, though, and he lets Anakin's reaction be another dent in that looming mental image of Vader's armor.

He holds that look for a moment before settling back against the bench and turning his attention to a fountain on the very far side of the room.

"And now, everything she can do includes changing the past instead of just rescuing whatever she can get her hands on."

[morally_cryptic]

"It's just rescuing on a larger scale," he murmurs. "I guess I can't fault her for that."

Even if she's apt to break herself into pieces trying to do it.

[velocities]

Not like Han is going to let her get broken into anything, whether she goes for obligation or not. (And he'd prefer 'not' pretty much all of the time.)

"Then maybe don't fault her for being defensive. It's like getting mad because Hoth is cold."

[morally_cryptic]

That at least elicits a snort of almost-laughter from Anakin. "Noted. Though I can't say I wouldn't get mad at the cold at least once or twice."

Stubborn and hard-headed, after all.

[velocities]

"Point is, you can be mad all you want. Ain't gonna make it any warmer. Trust me, I'd know."

There had only been room for one in that awful Tauntaun.

[morally_cryptic]

"I'd say it gets warmer eventually but if we're talking Hoth, the metaphor kind of breaks down there." It never gets warmer on Hoth. Not appreciably to humans anyway.

"Anyway, I appreciate the advice."

[velocities]

Han nods, and it's almost like this is a normal conversation about normal things. Not that he has much experience with normalcy, all things considered.

"Yeah, just do me a favor?" He turns to look at Anakin now, being far more serious than is probably necessary, "Step light for a while. What you said-- You're lucky if she only tries to hit you once over it."

[morally_cryptic]

"I can always just make myself scarce. I'm sure there are some droids somewhere that need dismantling."

Or exploding. Whichever.

His tone is light but he'll still take what Han says under advisement.

[velocities]

This, Han thinks, is the calmest and most productive conversation he's had with Anakin since he arrived. Entirely removed from threats about his heart and what one might do with it, and it feels like maybe this is progress. It's still odd as much as everything else is regarding temporal displacement, but maybe this is another glimpse of Vader not happening.

Which is also the moment he notices a stray hair on his shirt, and despite the ever-present sensation of being in the wrong place and time the automatic assumption is that it's one of Chewbacca's. It's happened often enough.

But then he reaches to pull it, and it's far too long to have come off a Wookiee even if there'd been one around.

Han tries to play it off, casually putting the hand pulling the hair down at his side and clearing his throat. "How are the clones doing, after Fives?"

Not the most graceful subject change ever, but he's just hoping it worked.